Anchoring in Safety: What It Really Means
(and How to Find Your Own)
Let’s be honest: in 2025, “feeling safe” can sound like a punchline. Between the news, the group chat, and whatever fresh chaos the world is serving up, our nervous systems are basically running on ancient hardware—constantly scanning for danger, freezing at the worst possible moments, and occasionally making weird noises that only we can hear (just me?). But here’s the science-backed truth: safety isn’t just a nice idea. It’s the foundation for everything good—health, connection, creativity, and, yes, sanity.
What Does It Mean to Be Safe, Really?
Polyvagal Theory (thank you, Stephen Porges and Deb Dana) tells us that safety isn’t just about the absence of actual threats. It’s about whether your nervous system believes you’re safe. This “felt sense” of safety is a physical experience, not just a rational checklist. When your body gets the cues that you’re okay, your nervous system supports healing, growth, and genuine connection with others. In other words: when you FEEL safe, you’re not just surviving—you’re thriving.
But here’s the kicker: our bodies are wired to notice danger first. Thanks to something called neuroception, our internal smoke detector, we’re always scanning for cues of safety or threat—often without even realizing it. And in today’s world, with its endless parade of stressors (global, local, and personal), our default setting can get stuck on “brace for impact.”
Why Safety Matters for Nervous System Regulation
When we feel safe, our nervous system shifts into what’s called the ventral vagal state. This is the “rest and connect” mode, where our bodies can repair, our minds can open up, and our hearts can actually enjoy that group hug (even if it’s just with your dog). If we lose that sense of safety, we tumble down the ladder into fight-or-flight (hello, anxiety and irritability) or even freeze and shut down (numbness, disconnection, or feeling like a human houseplant).
Why Anchoring in Safety Matters at Midlife
Midlife isn’t just a plot twist—it’s a full-on reboot of your operating system, complete with surprise pop-ups like hormonal shifts, career pivots, and the existential dread of realizing you now make “dad noises” when you stand up. But here’s the kicker: this is also a critical window for nervous system regulation and emotional adaptation that can shape your health, happiness, and brainpower for decades to come.
The Nervous System’s Crossroads
During midlife, your nervous system is juggling more than just hot flashes and teenagers. Research shows that how well you regulate your nervous system now—your ability to return to a state of safety and calm after stress—can make or break your cognitive health as you age. Greater flexibility in your parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) system, especially when it’s not being drowned out by chronic stress (hello, overactive sympathetic system), is linked to less cognitive decline down the road.
Stress Hits Different in Midlife
It’s not just your imagination: stress in midlife packs a bigger punch. Major stressful events during these years are associated with changes in the brain that can raise your risk for Alzheimer’s and other forms of cognitive decline later in life. For women, midlife brings unique shifts in emotional regulation, with the brain relying more on the prefrontal cortex (your “wise elder” brain) and less on the amygdala (your “fire alarm” brain). If your nervous system is constantly on high alert, it’s harder to access that wise, flexible part of yourself—and easier to slide into anxiety, depression, or burnout.
Adaptation: The Midlife Superpower
Here’s the good news: midlife is also when you have the most resources—life experience, skills, and (hopefully) a bit more self-compassion—to adapt and build new habits. Successfully anchoring yourself in safety now, by cultivating routines and relationships that help your nervous system downshift, sets you up for better emotional health and resilience as you age6. Think of it as investing in your future self’s ability to bounce back, stay sharp, and keep enjoying life—even when the plot twists keep coming.
Anchors: Your Personal Safety Buoys
So how do we anchor ourselves in safety when the world feels like it’s on a tilt-a-whirl? Enter the concept of “anchors”—those people, places, activities, and moments that reliably bring you back to a sense of calm and connection. Think of them as your nervous system’s security blanket or your own personal Bat-Signal for “It’s okay, you can exhale now”.
How to Find Your Anchors
WHO:
People or pets who make you feel seen and safe, even if they’re no longer with you or are of the furry variety.
Spiritual mentors or even fictional characters who bring comfort.
WHAT:
Activities that spark micro-moments of calm: a warm bath, knitting, listening to music, watering your plants, or even just staring out the window at a tree.
Meaningful objects: a favourite mug, a photo, a stone from a special place.
WHERE:
Physical spaces that feel nurturing: your favourite chair, a corner of the garden, a local park, or even a cozy coffee shop.
Nature is a classic anchor—trees, water, open skies.
WHEN:
Times of day when you feel most at ease: early morning coffee, bedtime rituals, quiet evenings, or walks after work.
HOW:
Breathing exercises, gentle movement, or grounding techniques that help you notice and shift your state.
Why Anchors Matter More Than Ever
Anchors—those people, places, and practices that help you feel safe—aren’t just self-care fluff. They’re your nervous system’s lifeline. When you regularly return to your anchors, you’re training your body and brain to recover from stress, regulate emotions, and maintain cognitive flexibility. This isn’t just about feeling good today; it’s about protecting your brain, mood, and quality of life for years to come.
Building Your Toolbox
Start by making a list (or a “menu”) of your own anchors. Notice the micro-moments that bring you a sense of ease, and practice returning to them regularly—especially when life feels overwhelming. The more you use your anchors, the more flexible and resilient your nervous system becomes. It’s not about eliminating all stress (good luck with that), but about having reliable ways to come back to yourself, again and again.
The Bottom Line
Being safe in the world today isn’t about bubble-wrapping your life. It’s about cultivating those anchors—big and small—that help your nervous system remember: “I’m okay, right now.” In a world that’s constantly changing, your anchors are your steady ground. So go ahead, find your people, your places, your rituals. Your nervous system—and your future self—will thank you.
Wellbeing isn’t just the absence of problems. It’s the presence of strengths—and the anchors that keep us steady when the waves hit.